Newly Diagnosed: Unmasking

Masking is a term created by the autistic community to describe the experience of covering up our symptoms and pretending to be neurotypical. Whether due to safety or ableism, we learned as children that acting autistic was not acceptable in our specific environment. This can make it difficult to get a diagnosis later in life if you masked enough as a child to miss diagnosis.

I was diagnosed with autism right before the COVID-19 pandemic, and I’ve spent most of the duration of the pandemic learning how to unmask. This was a long process that I’m still working through, because I am uncovering things about myself that have been pushed down for decades. Growing up my only goal was to fit in with my peers and make it through school unnoticed and untargeted. Once I was isolated from my peers, I had the chance to get to know myself.

The process of unmasking myself started with accepting my diagnosis and all the emotions that came from being diagnosed late. I felt relief at knowing I wasn’t crazy my entire childhood, but I also felt frustration that I was missed by so many different professionals. These emotions were overwhelming at first, and I had to work through them before I could continue with this process.

Getting my diagnosis allowed me to learn more about how my brain works and has given me the language necessary to explain my experiences. I learned about stimming and sensory regulation, but felt unsure about starting to explore these areas. The autistic community has been nothing but accepting towards me, but my internalized ableism held me back on creating the environment I need. 

To start the unmasking process, I used my previous experience with meditation to tune myself into my body and find where I felt uncomfortable. This awareness allowed me to identify my sensory needs that were not being met. I tried different types of stimming to regulate until I found what worked best for me. The pandemic ended up allowing me to explore this part of my identity without the fear of outside judgment. Now that things are starting to open up, I’m learning how to apply what I’ve learned about myself to the outside world. 

If you are self-diagnosed or seeking a professional diagnosis, start trying to identify your sensory needs and what kinds of stimming helps you the best. If/when you meet with a doctor for an evaluation, they’ll ask you what kinds of things help you manage your autism symptoms, and being able to define that will help you get that diagnosis. If you don’t want or can’t get a diagnosis, you can still regulate yourself the way you need to! It is becoming increasingly acceptable to have stimming behaviors in public, but you can start with just at home if you are new to this process. 

Confidence is something you might struggle with at the beginning of unmasking, remember that having symptoms or traits of something you are (self)diagnosed with is not a character flaw. If somebody had cancer and took time off work to get treatment, nobody would tell them that they were being selfish, so go easy on yourself.